Unravelling Ghosting

Are you really afraid of ghosts ?

Some of us are, some don’t believe in its existence. The entertainment industry has made a genre and millions out of it. The conventional usage of the term – ‘ghost’ is still pretty relevant, yet we have expanded the usage when we apply it to our lives.

Have you heard of Ghosting?

No, it is not about scaring the shit out of someone by dressing up wrapped in white cloth or some spooky make-up. Not that mainstream.

It may be true that many of us have been ‘Ghosted’ already and yet we never realize that we have an urban connotation to it.

In elementary terms, when someone you’ve known for a week, two months or even for a long time suddenly cuts off communication channels, and disappears in thin air like a ‘ghost’ without any reasoning or explanation thus essentially ending that relationship.

You can argue that it only applies to romantic relationships or the modern dating world but platonic friends or family can ghost too, it would be terrible then – to survive it. Abusive relationships don’t apply for sure, you can get the fuck out whenever you feel it’s too much to take.

Ghosts as we know about them – linger silently around us but make their presence felt. Those unanswered calls, blocked communication channels, even the silence following a promising interview or a close friend just suddenly becoming unreachable – all of this can break us.

WHY GHOST?

To get some clarity it’s a must mention that people who ghost are not evil or bad people.

Confronted by awkward, uneasy circumstances people tend to opt for an alternative for the direct confrontation and thus ‘ghost’ and succeed in not addressing sticky situations.
The silence leaves us in a wake of insecurity and self-doubt for sure. Imagine if someone you’re seeing for more than 4-5 years suddenly goes missing (not kidnapped) on you- How would you handle it?

For all I know about the psychology behind it, ghosting originates from fear of conflict, will to avoid difficult sensitive arguments or rather not hurt someone by telling them they’re not worth it.
Let’s narrow it down to a few possibilities –

1. The person who ‘ghosted’ is someone who is pretty reluctant to form attachments due to trust or dependency issues and thus are likely to use alternate methods to end things to avoid the sticky hassles of a confrontation.
   
2. Your ‘ghost’ is someone who doesn’t have the balls (read ovaries for feminists) to address disagreements/issues/relationships like mature people do – i.e. by dialogue and just wants to take the easy path out. No drama, no questions, no justifications for their actions – a win win for them.
   
3. The ‘ghost’ never cared because they fell out of sync (read love for couples) with the person concerned. Dynamics change a lot when we suddenly find the person we so felt at home with becoming ordinary or rather alien or even toxic.

I guess reason 3 is more born out of frustration than logic yet we take that.

Do they laugh after GHOSTING?

Precisely to put my point into perspective, it is always the one who ‘ghosts’ who turns out to be a sore loser because –

1. The world is a small place and if it was not a Tinder date that you ghosted and someone who was pretty meaningful and close, very likely that a future awkward confrontation is due if not direct but via mutual friends.
   
   Ghosts might return to their old stomping grounds burdened by unfinished business because as a strategy, ghosting is a stop-gap solution. What if you run into the same person 5 years down the line at a party? You can hide in the washroom, but can you flush out your guilt then?
   
   
2. A later showdown ought to be more destructive than a calmer storm earlier. The one whose ghosts always feel that they took the coward’s way out of a relationship.
   
3. Avoiding conflict too many times hikes anxiety levels for sure. Fear of disappointing someone, or being the bad person leads to anxiety. And the more you avoid such conflicts, the more anxiety multiplies till it becomes a habit.

TIME TO TAME YOUR GHOST – HOW?

Now we know why, so definitely this piece becomes irrelevant if I don’t shed some light how to stand up to your ghosts and tame your demons.

Ghosting hurts like a low blow for sure – a wicked rejection!

The fact that you have no idea why, unresolved doubts, no guideline on what could be done to not let such things happen again and a plethora of emotions boiling over just piles on the agony.

What if you offended them? What if they left you for someone better?

You’re so pathetic that you even didn’t deserve a break up in proper.

Self-blame takes center stage and a lot of mental issues crop up.
Obviously, there is no pill to forget all that in an instant but there are actions you can take.

Well, to start off, one would blindly advise to move on and get over your ghost.
Don’t text or stalk them, avoid hovering over your old pictures and conversations.

Take your time and find yourself a new distraction. One that makes you strong enough to ignore the pictures your ghost just posted after their vacation.

Or if you’re really so desperate for it, call out your ghost in a dignified manner, not looking like a long rant. However the best would surely be to accept that closure is a myth and you won’t get one. Take the disappearance as the answer it is meant to be – a NO.

Take heart in the fact that the way it all unfolded, it tells more about the ghost, their shortcomings and their lack of courage to address emotions, situations and nothing about you or indications that problems lie within you.

Let’s try to garner some empathy for your ghost as a tribute to the relationship you had with them and move on.

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Surround yourselves with positive company who seem to be more prominently into you, who won’t give up on you.

A Quick Tip to GHOSTS:

Be a little more generous, it is true that all relationships don’t last for eternity but abrupt ghosting can hurt someone for years.

We are supposed to bid our goodbyes with grace not with doubt and mystery.

A proper send-off would surely a great heal for both souls. A middle path is absolutely more practical than no walking at all.

In the end all GOOD THINGS end,
but how they end tells a different story altogether!